God's Protection of Women - Article 3: Would You Know if You Were in an Abusive Marriage?

One criticism I have received is that I condone divorce—especially amongst Christian marriages. Actually, that is not true. If you are a Christian in a struggling marriage and you and your children are not being abused or mistreated in any way, then by all means, stay in your marriage and do whatever you can to make it work. That’s what I did. Divorce was definitely a last resort for me, even though I was in an abusive marriage. The problem was that I didn’t know I was being abused.

How could I not know I was being abused? The answer is complicated. The first time your spouse or partner does something to hurt you, you’re in a state of shock. You reason with yourself. Perhaps it was a mistake or a one-time explosion of anger. You assure yourself that it will never happen again. You minimize it, dismiss it, forget it, deny it. If you’re like me, you tell yourself it never happened. I brainwashed myself.

Unfortunately, denial only sets you up psychologically. You create for yourself a survivalist mentality that prepares you to remain a victim for the next time your partner hurts you. It is better to confront your partner right away after the first time. Ask him why he did that to you. Too afraid to do that? Think it’s too dangerous for you? Then go talk to someone outside of your situation. Get help from a friend, pastor, counselor, or family member. Do this soon, however, because most abusers will work strategically to remove friends and family from your life.

Let’s say you do confront your spouse. Does he apologize profusely, cry, and give you gifts and flowers? Beware of that scenario. Abusers are masters of histrionic mea culpas. Even worse, an abuser will carefully, artfully turn everything around and convince you that it was primarily your fault—that you caused him to hurt you. Before long, you’re the one crying and apologizing, promising to work harder to be a better person so you won’t anger him again. Are you getting this? If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you can see the blatant lack of logic here and you’re probably wondering how any sane, educated woman could remain with such a man. I’m both sane and educated, and I stayed with my abuser for a long time. I think only a victim of abuse can truly relate to what I’m saying.

If you remain with your abusive husband or partner, you set yourself up for a cycle that will not end. I know I sound like a pessimist with no faith in God’s ability to change people. Well, God can and does change people, but usually not as quickly as we need for our own safety.

I did the godly Christian thing: I forgave and forgave endlessly, repeatedly. My ex would say he was sorry and beg for forgiveness time and time again, so how could I not forgive him? He told me his anger was ultimately my fault anyhow, so I lived with heaps of guilt. Then there would be times when things were actually “good” in our home and marriage—that tentative calm between storms. I would convince myself again and again that, this time, my husband had finally changed for the better. The lies I told myself kept the abuse cycle going.

I left my husband the U.S. national average of seven times before I finally left him permanently. But I learned something profoundly important in leaving him that last time. You have to cut off all communication with your abuser for at least three full months before sanity will begin to creep back into your brain again. Three months might not be the prescription for every victim, but it’s what I recommend to you.

If you leave and allow your abuser to communicate to you in any way, his carefully crafted lies will weave their way back into your mind, play on your emotions, and before long you’ll be back with him, apologizing for your “sins” and forgiving him for whatever he did to you…again. Nothing will have changed. You’ll think something has changed, but it hasn’t really. Only by getting away from him with zero communication can you hit the reset button on your entire psyche and begin to hear the voice of reason and sanity.

So, back to my original question: Would you know if you’re in an abusive marriage? The answer is very possibly no. I’m sorry to say that, unless you remove yourself from the situation long enough, you may not realize the truth of just how bad your situation is.

NOTE: I have one BIG warning for you here. If you decide to leave, I strongly urge you to consult with a domestic violence counselor before you go. Even if you think your husband would never hurt you or your children to the point of “serious” injury (as if what he has done to you is not already serious), a counselor will help you to carefully plan and strategize the best and safest way for you to escape. I made the mistake of leaving my abuser without first contacting my local domestic violence and crisis center. I won’t go into it now, but it was a HUGE mistake that led to dramatically increased abuse against me and my children.